Another lost battle with emotional abuse. I am tired of losing to this. Lets change it!!

It has been a while since I have posted. My life has been an upside down mess recently. I have been extremely unhappy. I foolishly ended up in yet another psychologically abusive relationship. I am having trouble ending this one, this one has created a bigger problem on my feelings of self worth as a human being. I have lost a lot of myself, I do not know me anymore. I can not write the things I used to. I feel extremely depressed, worthless, useless, sometimes I almost just want to end it all. My OCD is coming back like a train running over me over and over. My anxiety is at record levels. I feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe I’m going crazy?

How do I keep doing this to myself? Is it me? Why do I get abused and treated subhuman in every relationship I get into? I am lucky that I have never been physically abused in a severe way, but all of the emotionally abusive men have physically abused me atleast once. Why do I care about this man who has been awful to me? Why don’t I hate him? Why can’t I hate him? I want him to go away and never return. He belongs in prison for his behavior. Why is this type of abuse able to happen so often and go unpunished?


I came up with a new idea tonight when I was talking to a friend about the abuse I have again endured for the past 5 months. I brought up that I would like to create some type of fundraiser/community/petition for being able to bring justice to victims of this tormenting type of emotional abuse. There are ways of proving this abuse and convicting these monsters so they can suffer for what they have done as they have made their victims suffer. Why do we have to live mentally damaged for months, years, even our whole lives because some entitled person wants to make us feel worthless and treat us like garbage? Do they think they are better than anyone? Where do they get this entitlement? They should at the very least be made to pay for therapy of the victim, lost wages, lost homes, lost opportunities, and many many more things that can be listed here.


I would love some of the readers here to add comments of ideas you have for a community and ways you think would be effective in proving emotional abuse in men and women. Ideas about the fundraiser, petition and any other useful information regarding this will also be greatly appreciated.


The UK passed a law on this recently. America needs to do it as well along with everywhere else in the world. Check out this link to read about it:

Five years in jail for men who ’emotionally bully’ wives.


God is such a drama____(fill in the blank with your view of God)

I made a new word out of my fill in the blank. Draminity. Drama and infinity. My view of infinity (everything, on going).

After my post yesterday, there was not much time wasted in learning my next lesson. As usual, it happens in the most dramatic way possible to get the most simple of things across. This is what we as humans require I guess, it makes us feel even more insignificant.

I’m going to try to be as short as possible in the story leading up to my lesson, but I want to add enough so the ending makes sense. I have a friend who moved 5 hours away with a man who has abused her. Everyone tried to tell her not to go, and she went anyways. She got in contact with me a few days ago to ask me if I could help. I don’t have a car, and she knows this but she wanted to see if there was anything I could do. I told her I had already tried asking everyone we are mutual friends with, and everyone I could possibly ask in general. Everyone, every single person I asked had the exact same response. I’m sure most can probably guess what that response is, because a big majority of you will say the same exact thing. That response is “she is stupid for moving 5 hours away with him, if we go get her, then she is just going to run right back, so I’m not going to help her”. I won’t lie, I have said the same thing myself in the past, but this time I felt it was wrong to say that. Every time someone said it, it made me more upset. I wished there was more I could do.

I wished there was more I could do. I was true with myself and my intentions on what I really wanted to do. I got a message from my friend on Facebook yesterday that she had found someone who would let me use their vehicle to go pick her up. The first thing I said was “great, this is wonderful news, I’ll come get you”.  It also worked out perfect that I am off work today and tomorrow. The issues started happening when I asked a mutual friend of ours if he would take me to go pick up the vehicle I was allowed to use. He said yes, no problem, that he would come get me. Well, that didn’t happen because of some personal issues in his life to where he couldn’t make it. I didn’t know this had happened until later on today. I told my friend I was supposed to pick up that I couldn’t make it to pick up the vehicle, that I’d try to find another way. She decided to call the person whose vehicle I would be using to ask if he would possibly be able to come pick me up because we had ran out of options. He was happy to do it. What is great about this person is he is a Vietnam vet who who isn’t supposed to go out driving around too much or being too active because he has  medical issues. I live about 15 miles from where he lives. He came to pick me up so I could take him back home and for me to get on the road to pick up my friend. I realized I had forgotten to grab something to drink from home, so I asked him to stop at the gas station on the way so I could get a drink. We were still introducing ourselves, and I asked about his Vietnam Veteran hat. He told me a little bit about it, then he looked at me and said “I really wish we wouldn’t have had to do that, there was no point in all of that”. Him saying that got to me, I liked him saying that, so I replied and said “I agree, and the same thing applies now”. He agreed with that statement as well. We got back on the road, and about 1 mile in, the truck just shut off while we were going 60 miles an hour. It turns out that the truck was overheating. We didn’t see any warning of it overheating, but apparently it was. This could be a thermostat issue, but to shut off going 60 miles an hour? An overheating vehicle usually doesn’t shut off going 60 miles an hour down the road, it would much more likely shut off while it is idling. I asked my new friend if this had been an issue, he said no, he also said his truck had only overheated 2 times since he owned it. I asked when the last time he put water in his truck, he said 4 days ago. It was a 2001 or 2002 model Toyota truck and he seemed like the type of person that took care of his truck, I didn’t notice anything wrong with the way his truck drove while being in it. I thought this was all very odd. I’ve actually never been in a vehicle that had shut off going 60 miles an hour down the road, and I’ve never had a vehicle do that. It really isn’t very common for a vehicle to shut off while going down the road, and especially at higher speeds.

After this, I decided to try to call and get us a ride back somewhere. I called the friend who was closest to where we were. This friend has a car with a lot of issues and he doesn’t like to drive it much at all, it is mostly used for him to drive it to work, but is used and can be used in other short trips as well. It is understandable that he doesn’t want to drive it often, and I do not ask him to drive me places unless I absolutely have to. I decided to call given our situation and because the man with me started saying he was feeling weak from the heat, that he really needed to get out of the heat and sit down. I told him to sit down, but it didn’t do much that it was still hot. The friend I called said no, I’m not taking my car out of town (we were about 2 miles away from town) . I explained to him the situation that I needed someone to get there as soon as absolutely possible, his response was “f*ck you, I said I’m NOT driving my car out of town”.  I got off the phone with him after that and got a hold of another friend who was 15 minutes away, he said he would hurry to get me. The man I was with got the truck started before my friend got there and he decided he just wanted to try to get it home to not leave it sitting on the side of a rural South Dakota road. I thanked my new friend for his generosity and wished him well.

So, lets get back to my friend who was not so hospitable, and what that has to do with my post from yesterday. It doesn’t seem that it has much resemblance, but it has plenty, it explains the whole point perfectly. Is there nothing, or is there something? It doesn’t matter. If you believe there is nothing, and it is only you, which I have been seriously confused about, then don’t take that as meaning you are all there is. I didn’t mention that me and that friend have been having some issues with getting along recently, but that didn’t stop me from calling to ask given the situation with the elderly (veteran) gentleman I was with. I was focused on making sure he was ok, I explained this on the phone to my friend when I asked him to get us. He didn’t have an issue with the man I was with, he probably barely listened when I said it. He had an issue with me, so he took it out on me to not come pick us up. Most people with any human decency would in this circumstance as long as they were able, correct? So it isn’t that everything is nothing, and it isn’t that you are all there is. It isn’t all loneliness. It isn’t that you should look at others as not being there, not having feelings, that they don’t all reflect on your life somehow, and you on theirs, because you do. We are all connected in this world in some way or another. How would you feel if you were the friend who was rude and the older gentleman I was with got sick to the point of needing medical care? It didn’t happen, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be aware of the possibility, and for you to do something about it if you can. To say it bluntly, it is your fault if you know you can help someone in a situation, and you don’t purely out of selfish reasons. Keyword selfish. If that person gets hurt or killed because of it, the guilt is partly on you whether you like it or not.